The warmth doesn't hurt me anymore
Just intensifies my wish
My worst wish, and now my only one.
They say I do bad things to myself,
But they can't understand...

I fall in love with strangers
I forgot all of my old friends,
I can't even remember their faces;
I forgot everything that was important to me,
All I know now is useless.
I've never learnt
I never learn.


ps. escrito em 2008, ou antes, não lembro.

sem título, escrito em 2009

I hadn't seen it for a long time
I thought I was free,
But it's inside of me forever.

The sad songs are not enough
They seem to be happy
Even my eyes are closed.

My bitter memories make me wish the past to come back
I guess the butterflies inside my belly feel better than me
They're sleeping like deads now.

My bitter memories burn my eyes
And make me know that love life doesn't exist worth.

Pelo não-ser humano que eu já sou

Se passaram quatro anos agora
A mim, me parece que fui forte, no princípio
Cada palavra era consciente e precisa
E os sentimentos tão seguros, apesar de tudo.
O abandono não pôde levar ao desespero;
Ao contrário, encorajou a força.
Mas se passaram quatro anos agora
Então as mãos se cansam de tapar os olhos,
Que quanto mais veem, mais querem ver
Não mais só o que é bom e sublime
Mas toda a tão sincera indiferença.
Olhos inescrupulosos
Adentram fundo o todo
Para ver a crueldade.
O todo se torna o avesso
E o cansaço cresce
De dentro pra fora.
Quatro anos se passaram
Em todas as vidas, de todas as pessoas
Que envelheceram tanto,
Que agora não se parecem mais
Porque o tempo soube separar.

"E é quando a força e a coragem se transformam em seus opostos na solidão.
E quando uma traição tem força suficiente para desencorajar toda a confiança."

For Emily, whenever I may find her

I should have told you how beautiful you looked that last night I saw you; you were shining
You asked me why I wasn't happy too and I should have told you

Should have told you what I've learnt by the pain of being all alone
But no, I can't.
No one's gonna teach you how to do.
Anyway you're not one of those who people leave
But I should have told you everything
I should have told you anything at all...
How I love you...
I never thought you'd leave me.

(maio, 2012)

With your eyes you can't see that my skin is burning
Your fingers wouldn't dare touch me
With your questions you don't want true answers
'Cause with your lies you pretend to care and don't care about lying
These walls won't let me in, won't let you in
How do you feel now?
Too much love I've lost,
What about you?
Such a wasted time
Have you ever felt like givin' in 'cause of that?
I keep yelling out but you can't hear my voice
My troath catch my moans, stuck in my stomach
Does your skin burn like mine?
You would laugh now: how'd you feel if I'd touch you?
But you can't look at my eyes - 'cause you don't want to
And you couldn't hear me 'cause you're much too far away...

Guilt (escrito em 2009)

Another day.
And another one.
We know it is changing;
But we have a long road yet.
"I should have been better."
"I should then kill myself."
However, doesn't change.
So we let it go...
As always.
And we guess nothing already matter to us.
And who can say what is right?
Or what is wrong?
So we let it go on...
Then I don't ask for your help any more.
Well, we will not run away;
Never more, okay?
So I will try to help you.

But then, the guilt catches me again.
Always.
So what can we do?
So let it go...
And don't be worried, my only friend.
You will carry it on.
We will let it go on...

Just to show that I'm here; half alive, but existing yet

Estava pensando, como você está?
Sempre penso, nunca digo.
Por aqui você já sabe...
Talvez não é que eu estava feliz demais pra lembrar de você,
Talvez foi exatamente o contrário.

Apesar de todo o meu ódio
Eu quero a morte, por amar.
Porque toda a sua dor dói em mim, também.

Seus olhos cansados gritam por socorro,
E a mente orgulhosa cala a sua voz.
Eu vejo meu passado no seu presente...
Quase quero poder escolher seu futuro...

07

Pode levar tudo!
Vocês são agora herdeiros da minha força.
O que mudou? Seu corpo, agora cansado, e só.
Por isso agora pode me roubar tudo o que quiser. Tudo, tudo é seu.

Eu não estava errada, não é?
Você nunca se importou, não é mesmo?
Então é isso, isso é tudo o que você tem.
Eu sei que você gosta disso assim;
Sua risada histérica ecoa à sua volta.

Agora você desperdiça o que roubou de mim.
O que aconteceu? Por que você soltou a minha mão?
Se é assim que você quer, então vai.
Você pensou que tinha me roubado tudo, mas não;
Você não é capaz.
E agora vem me dizer que estou errada, que eu é que me perdi,
Porque você ouviu dizer que eu estava longe,
Sentiu a minha falta uma ou duas vezes...
Mas eu vivi cada segundo dessa distância.
Era só eu,
E ainda sou.

E pra mim
Ficou a sanidade
O mundo dos sonhos desapareceu
Não voltou nunca mais.
A realidade,
Só.

"Mas então por que eu finjo que acredito no que invento?
Nada disso aconteceu assim, não foi desse jeito;
Ninguém sofreu, e é só você
Que me provoca essa saudade vazia tentando pintar essas flores
Com nome de 'amor perfeito'
E 'não te esqueças de mim'."

Kicked out

Quando me arrancaram do meu mundo,
Fechei os olhos, prendi a respiração e fiquei paralisada.
Não quero mais ter que ficar inerte
Vendo o que eu poderia ter sido,
Mas é só o que eu vejo na minha frente,
E aquelas bocas enormes gargalhando, orgulhosas.

A solidão me fez dez vezes mais forte,
Eu descobri quem estava errado,
Mas me fez mil vezes mais triste,
Era quem estava do meu lado,
Quem alienou meus movimentos por tanto tempo
Me convencendo de uma verdade absoluta tão falsa quanto pôde,
Para ser absurda e parecer normal, então.
Não por mal, por não pensar
E estar mais perdido que eu mesma.
E eu acreditei, porque ainda existia amor e quase nenhum ódio.

Parece outra vida,
De tanto tempo e tanto nada que aconteceu;
Eu fiquei meio-inconsciente para não ver a realidade.
Me enfiei em um buraquinho, fiz dele minha cama,
Formou um lago embaixo,
Por eu estar sempre em outro tempo, em outro lugar.
Mas eu não estou mesmo lá.
Eu me afogo no lago,
Não consigo respirar, não consigo pensar
Só o subconsciente funciona e só o desespero o guia.

Ódio Total '11 (draft)

I can't give in, I'm so angry
I gotta pretend, gotta call 'em friends
Man, I can't stand it
I feel so sorry 'bout these guys, just wasting time, forsaken in those cold days and nights
Wondering why we're still alive, we gotta fight and strain not to cry

The fucking distance just killed all the love I could feel
I ain't strong, just wanna leave it all behind
Mom, I don't feel young, 'cause I'm fucking tired at all

Felt Like Writing Something For The Most Special People I've Ever Met

"Goodbye"
'Cause I can't go any further.
I've grown so old without you

"Nothing gold can stay"

Wild Things

People are dancing, drifting around me,
Smoky with a touch.
I feel like carefully watching and smiling,
But it seems like something unknown.
This is the world I watch,
Numb.
They're lighting and making a shadow upon me,
Hidden.

To The Sea, To The Sky

I caught my breathe
And held a tear 'cause
It could become a sea...
My weakest days, when
I'm like a thin glass.

I had to catch my breathe
And keep holding a tear,
For the most beautiful creature.
And the gold sun in the window
Shows the picture of it.
This creature and a flower.
The most beautiful
The one I cannot reach.

So I keep fading away...
So it stays the dawn to me
That never becomes day.

Tears for the Flower

Stars fill the dodger blue and blue fills myself.
Thorny leafs scratch cold clouds.
I wonder why our nights are so apart,
I kiss the wind and drag my spotless mind.

Give me my life back.
I left it all behind.
So why not caring at all is so painful?
So why do I have to regret?

I walk on the sand
In soft steps,
And so I find my place,
Floating over the sea.
Every memory is forgotten, held in wind's arms.

Now it's so far away, I cannot reach.
There's no flower and no smile under the moon,
As she doesn't light, doesn't light anything.
She seems to be lost, lonely.

Give my life away.
I left it all behind.

Subconsciente

A janela é tão feia.
Não tem pôr-do-sol, não tem alvorecer e não tem cor nenhuma.
Só tem sujeira, e coisas que eu não consigo enxergar bem.

Eu acho que me lembro
Que gostava da luz e das cores;
Mas quando tento fazê-las olharem para mim,
Sempre me dão as costas de novo.

Tentei ler meus pensamentos,
Mas eles sempre são mais rápidos.
Pensei ter mudado eles,
Mas sempre são eles que me mudam.

E a janela é feia, tão feia,
Nunca me deixa ver as cores e a luz.

"Manche menschen ändern sich nie"

Stay gold, Ponyboy

Golden-rose sunset.

The sunset and the sonata in myself.
The unknown, them.
I stayed gold, until these days.
I kept on them.
I kept unknown, myself.
A sonata. Nocturne.
Steps on the bridge, and the sunset. The gold.
The field...
Something I can't forget.

"Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."

Sting On The Belly

When they lay down I'm still awake
Face to face. Thrown on my face
Every sweet memory, each bitter illusion.
It's here yet.
I'm still blaming them, for everything they're not guilty by.
I can't even look, it burns my eyes and my heart.

I wish I didn't regret,
Sometimes I wish I was like you.

Not a Dating

"What if" doesn't work out anymore.
It's about a friendship, not a dating.
It's about attention, not love.
And it always ends up with hate and stomach ache.

It's a mistake from me, not 'em.
It's about pretending, and it's always.
And it always ends up...

It's been for some time
Everything wears me out
And I'm tired of speaking,
'Cause doesn't worth trying to explain something
To someone who doesn't want to understand.
It's been for some time
That I want to cry
'Cause their words are so violent...
And that's the revenge, for the violent words of mine.

It's been for some time
The people's mistakes
Wear me out,
And make me tired of speaking.

And it's been for some time
That I feel hard pains
In the head and heart,
It seems about to blow up,
I seem about to puke.

Embers

All my movements echo through the dirty place I am in.

The floor and the walls are no longer white.
I guess I am here for a long time.
I feel I am alone, but I see ghosts sometimes.

I don't remember anything before the last stairs.
I just see distorted images through this glass.
There are so many lamps here
But they don't light anything,
Only burn my eyes.

I can barely hear some moans and dins
That are not by myself...

There is an open door in the end of this corridor,
I can not reach it,
But I can see there is only emptiness after...

I saw a feather on the floor,
Kept it with me, and could feel the blood of the animal on the little gray feather.

I am transparent and I can see my veins,
But I see there is no blood inside.


Still remember those fucking eyes
That never look at me.

Empty

Moving so many times,
Meeting people every time,
I never had what they do, made me envious.
Meeting people every time, but I have always been in the wrong place...
They feel sorry about me.
But that's the life I wanted to have... Because I do,
I have always been in the wrong place...
They feel sorry about me... 'Cause they know what I feel.
When they look at me they know what I feel.
The worst is that they feel sorry about me!
It's not a matter of time,
It's a matter of
I have always been in the wrong place...

When I look back
There is no-one, that's only me.
And that is not the life I never wanted to have.
It's not a matter of time,
It's a matter of
I have always been in the wrong place...

An Imaginary Friend Is a Good Choice

How many times have I been lied down on my bed, hardly breathing
And terrified, thinking I would die?
How many times have I been lied down on my bed, hardly breathing
And even not terrified, wishing I would die?
But these thoughts have left my mind.
I just want to leave this world.
I just want to see things I've never seen in my life.
I just want this sickness to leave me.
Sometimes I feel suffocated.
Today I just don't want to see anything is alive.

No. Imaginary friends are always annoying me, I'm always killing all of them.

"I'm going to give you the choice I never had."

My First Love

I always knew my first love,
But never knew it was my first love.
My love does not have a black beautiful hair,
Either, lovely green eyes.
It is more beautiful than dark hair, and green eyes.

My first love meet me in the end of each day,
Hidding some secret I will never can decipher;
And shows me different faces each day.

But I can not see him any more.
I am so far away from him,
And I know he miss me
And understands me...

I used to see his colored tails,
And all I could see was him,
His incomprehensible body...

As I am more and more sad,
It is more and more beautiful, and
Comprehensible.

I see my golden rose-coloured sunset,
And be right that it is my eternal love.
The misterious sunset,
My misterious love...

I do not deserve all its love...